CITY CRAB & SEAFOOD COMPANY.

The empty lobster tanks that greeted me at the door should have been the first indication to turn myself around and march right back through the front doors of City Crab & Seafood Company. As I begrudgingly gave the host my reservation name, I was not offered to be seated nor shown to the bar...so instead, I was forced to continue staring at the empty fish tanks that housed snails and decomposing sea crud. And no, escargot was NOT on the menu. After a few minutes of overexaggerating my discomfort from having to stand (near the questionable fish tank, nonetheless), I went back up to the host and demanded to be seated immediately. He obliged, but not quickly enough to avoid a menacing glare from yours truly.

No water was offered to me when I was seated at the table...now that's not very nice, is it. In fact, we were never offered water until I finally asked for it 15 minutes into my dining partner's arrival. I was already fairly off-put by the whole situation but what REALLY got me was when the waiter had ZERO CLUE what was in the Louisiana Gumbo. "Uhmm..there's some seafood in it..." Like??? "Uhm..I dunno..like shrimp..maybe some crab...there might be some lobster in there." Well WTF, your menu isn't that extensive (half of it is crab cakes cut into different sizes and offered as appetizers, entrees, and sandwiches). Get a clue. It kills me when waiters don't know what they are serving me. There was a whole separate fiasco with the gumbo later on (which I won't get into), but let's just say the gumbo was returned to the kitchen. Next.


We ordered two appetizers - the first of which being the Lobster Macaroni and Cheese. In writing, this should be the most delicious pot of carbs and shellfish money can buy. Unfortunately the metal pail we were served held nothing of interest to me. The elbow macaroni was hard and stiff...and the orange substance surrounding the pasta would not be considered cheese if there was some sort of FDA Fermented Dairy handbook. It didn't melt, it wasn't gooey, and some of it congealed onto the pasta while the rest was left a watery puddle at the bottom of the dish. I've had better macaroni and cheese from an Easy Mac packet. And believe it or not, throwing overcooked lobster into the mix doesn't help.


Because the gumbo was sent back, we decided to try our luck on the Crab and Lobster Spring Rolls. While the rolls fared better than the macaroni and cheese, the crab and lobster was nowhere to be seen. These rolls could have been stuffed with cabbage and potato (what I am assuming to be the two cheapest vegetables in the world) and they would have tasted the same. This measly dish would have cost $2 in Chinatown. At City Crab, it cost $12.


For my entree I ordered the Tossed Cobb Salad - which includes lobster, shrimp, crabmeat, egg, tomato, artichoke, avocado, cucumber, red pepper, celery, carrots, and bleu cheese (hold the bacon and the onion rings). Now that I think of it, I don't recall any lobster, red peppers, OR celery being present in my salad - those bastards. Being that the lobster tank was empty, I'm not surprised about the dearth of that crustacean on my bed of lettuce...but red peppers and celery!?!?! COME ON. There was actually more than enough seafood in my salad. Although it is not really a salad of note, I have no true complaints about this dish.


But maybe that's because it was compared to the entree my dining partner had ordered (sorry for the blurriness). That, my friends, is City Crab's Baked Shrimp Imperial - 5 puny shrimps with a little spoonful of crab stuffing and "Imperial sauce" - $24. The sad mound of fries, believe it or not, DID NOT come with the meal. They were an additional $6. Imagine what the plate would have looked like had it only served the $24 portion of the meal. I cannot personally attest to the taste of the dish but my dining partner could not even stomach the shrimp and merely picked at the crab meat topping. From my experience thus far - I am making a grand assumption that City Crab serves ridiculously awful food for ridiculously high prices. I am not the type of consumer that often pays attention to price - I shop and choose my meals without much discretion towards price tags and am willing to spend a lot of money on quality food. For me to have noticed outrageous and unfair pricing means that this restaurant must have done some serious disservice.


For dessert we ordered the Oreo Cookie Ice Cream Cake. This was probably the highlight of our meal and honestly it was just cookies & cream ice cream cut into a pie-slice shape and dusted with Oreo cookie crumbs. Nothing of culinary excitement.

I have been aware of my negative restaurant reviews as of late and made a conscious decision to avoid reporting about bad dining experiences (I do not want people to think of me as a jaded, unsatisfiable critic) - but this experience was above and beyond horrendous. My dining partner is allergic to berries, and when the ice cream cake arrived - it was drizzled with what smelled like a strawberry sauce. I asked the waiter if the sauce contained strawberries and he replied that he "honestly did not know." Well I HONESTLY beg of you to please inquire with your pastry chef WHAT THE FUCK he drizzled on this ice cream because if you don't tell us, then your ass will be sued when my dining partner is rushed out of this joint in an ambulance with an EPIPEN stabbed into her throat!!!! Being clueless is bad enough. Not offering to find an answer is even worse. City Crab - you serve terrible food and you employ even more terrible waiters. Do the city a favor and close down.