WHY I HAVE NO MONEY.

Below is a list of reasons Why I Have No Money that I cannot control:

1. "State regulators" are really busy RUINING MY LIFE by approving a hefty $523.4 million increase for Con Ed's services for the upcoming year. IN ADDITION, via some "temporary surcharge" on our bills, they have also authorized an increase of $198 million for "state-mandated assessments." There will be an overall increase of 6.1% for my ALREADY RIDICULOUS Con Ed bill (which has consistently remained over $200 the past few months). Now you're asking for an ADDITIONAL $12!!? FOR WHAT.

According to the New York times,

The factors driving Con Edison’s need for additional revenue are real property taxes, state assessment changes, addition to utility plant, increases in pensions and other retirement benefits, and a change in return on equity, or profit for Con Edison, to 10 percent, up from 9.1 percent.


Hmm..okay...processing...

Coincidentally, NYMag just published this little graph/blurb thing in this week's issue about which industries and companies are still hiring during these trying times.


Guess which company was on that list. Apparently due to "high profits" there have been NO NEED FOR LAYOFFS. So WHY THE F are you asking me for an additional $721 million? You want my $12/month so you can pay your employees, offer them great benefits, hire MORE people, and raise company profit!??!?!

You know what MY company did in order to save money and raise company profit??? WE LAID OFF EMPLOYEES. WE CUT OUR 401K. WE HAD OUR HOLIDAY PARTY AT A BOWLING ALLEY. AND WE WENT "GREEN" - which is really a corporation's guise for cutting printing costs. Do you think we decided to raise our price tickets and charge each customer an additional $12/garment?? UH, HELLS TO THE NO. We reduced our line assortment, slashed our budget, and cut any excess that we could. Why is it that my company can take cost-cutting measures INTERNALLY whereas Con Edison finds it appropriate to ask the public for help??

Furthermore, this "temporary" one-year increase will not stop after one year. Apparently this past year, since March 2008, New Yorkers were subjected to a $425 million increase...this year an additional $721 million, next year WHO KNOWS????? THE CON EDISON MONSTER MUST BE CAPPED.

2. This is old news that I have been meaning to complain about. The MTA has gotten off pretty easily on this blog in the past. But the MTA fare increase is absolutely ridiculous!!! My monthly Metrocard, an already expensive $81, will now cost me $103/month. I got a really wonderful email in my work inbox from Human Resources stating:

The monthly cost will automatically increase from $81 to the new $103 per month fare effective June 1 for the July benefit month. For associates paid weekly, the deduction will increase to $25.75 per week

Goodbye, manicures and pedicures!!

And F, I just read this sentence of the email (which was sent on April 13th):

If you use TransitChek QuickPay^® Card, a prepaid Visa^® card, and TransitChek^® Vouchers:

• Check for changes in your commuting costs and adjust your benefit on or before April 15^th to meet new fares going into effect in June by logging on to www.premiumenrollment.com.

WTF, HR. Thanks for giving me TWO DAYS to change my benefits. And couldn't you have given me like a REMINDER TEXT MESSAGE or something????? It is now nearly two weeks later, well over the deadline, and I finally just logged on to adjust my benefits. Turns out I never even adjusted it for the LAST fare increase, as I have only been deducting $76/month from my paycheck pre-tax for the past two years!! GRRFACE, my life DOUBLESUCKS.


3. New York City's oversaturated CUPCAKE MARKET.

Everywhere I turn (on the streets and in the cyberworld), I am bombarded by imagery of cupcakes!!!! People talking about cupcakes, people eating cupcakes, Magnolia's sprouting on every corner. All of this madness over the past few years has somehow devalued U.S. currency and made $2.50-5.00 a reasonable price for an individual cupcake!!! Pictured above, perfectly iced cupcakes from Dessert Club Chikalicious.

Now that I am really drowning in Con Edison bills, MTA transportation costs, and cupcakes, I doubt I will be able to continue living this life of essential luxuries. Maybe I should just live on the subway (and never have to pay for a monthly card or electricity), traverse the stops between West Village and Upper West Side, and terrorize tourists carrying cupcake boxes. Or I could become the new Hipster Grifter of Midtown West, convince unassuming men that I am dying, forge bad checks, and become referred to as the Hells Kitchen Vixen.